At three chapters spread over 2 ½ pages, Zephaniah is about as minor as a prophet can get. Chapter One introduces Zephaniah himself – the great-great-grandson of Hezekiah, presumably the Hezekiah, living in the reign of Josiah – and sets out his thesis statement:
"I will sweep away everything from the face of the each,” declares the Lord. I will sweep away both men and animals….” (2-3)
The reset of the chapter focuses specifically on the smiting of Judah, before a restatement of the theme:
I will bring distress on the people and they will walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the Lord. Their blood will be poured out like dust and their entrails like filth. (17)
You see quotes like this so infrequently in the evangelical literature.
Chapter Two spells out some of the doom that is coming to the rest of the region – the Philistines in Verses 4-7, the Moabites and Amonites in Verses 8-11, and the Assyrians in Verses 13-15. The Cushites get insult added to injury, dismissed in 10 words in Verse 12:
“You too, O Cushites, will be slain by my sword.”
Chapter Three initially swings back to Jerusalem, speaks of how the people of that city are no darn good, and meditates on the punishments that are in store for them. Then, finally, there’s a restatement of the theme:
I have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms, and to puor out my wrath on them – all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger. (8)
So there we have it: Zephaniah told us what he was going to say, he said it, and he told us what he said. Good prophecy, Zephy – a little dark, but horror is very in right now.
....but then, as we’ve seen in other books, there’s a short coda at the end that walks it all back a little. In it, at any event, a few humans seem to survive the literal apocalypse after all.
But I will leave within you the meek and humble, who trust in the name of the Lord. The remnant of Israel will do no wrong; they will speak no lies, nor will deceit be found in their mouths. The will eat and lie down and no one will make them afraid. (12-13)
And honestly, isn’t that about as good as it gets? Enough to eat, a good night’s sleep, and not getting pushed around by jerks? That’s the good life right there.
At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you;I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame.
At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes, says the Lord. (19-20)
And it’s all very nice, I guess, except it’s a little hard to give it much credit coming from the guy who just spent 2 ½ of his 3 chapters crowing about wholesale slaughter. One's own odds of being among the meek and humble seem pretty darn remote, and if you happened to be in the elect, how are we going to enjoy honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth? You just said they were all going to be consumed in the fire, remember? Only 12 verses ago!
So, the happy ending is pretty unconvincing. Now, I’m vaguely aware that there is a vast, centuries-old literature of Biblical textual analysis, and that evidence often suggests that different sections of a given Book were written by different people, possible in different times and places. I’ve got none of that expertise, but as a naïve reader I can’t help but wonder if the last 12 Verses of Zephaniah were added in later by someone a little more hopeful than the primary author, or someone a little more politic, or perhaps just someone a little less fired up by the idea of humanity’s extinction.
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I read Zephaniah and scrawled out the above on a notepad in a coffeeshop, and as I got up to go a sweet young guy politely asked "What were you reading there? Was that the Bible?"
"Yes," I said, "the Bible."
"Cool," he said. "What book?"
"Zephaniah," I said.
That was kind of a conversation-killer, so I continued "I decided to read the whole thing straight through in 2008 [sic], and this is as far as I've got."
"Well, that's great," he said. "A lot of people hardly read it at all."
"There's a lot to chew on," I said.
"Well, have a great day," he said. "God bless you."
"You too," I said.
